ROBERT'S LIFE REVIEW
Written in March, 2008

This isn't about what I did for a living, it's about who I was while I did what I did for a living. (For my employment, see work history.)

I was socially and emotionally isolated as a kid, so I read and lived in my head. Actually, that has turned out to be helpful. When I need refuge, I can go there at will.

I used humor to deflect attention so that it wouldn't get too personal. I still have a strong inner Robin Williams. What I find funny most of the time is the absence of logic, like a sign on a road in St. Louis that says, "Highway ends, cars must exit." What are the other choices? Who felt the need for this instruction?

Ammon Hennacy had a great effect on me in the 1960's. He didn't believe government should interfere in our lives, so he paid no taxes, didn't get a driver's licenses, etc. etc. It was an extreme position which got him a fair amount of jail time. But it caused me to look at what I believed in and what price I would pay to uphold those beliefs.

I got my chance to act on my beliefs as an Air Force officer when I was opposed for moral and religious reasons to the war in Vietnam. At one point I went to an anti-war conference in Tivoli, NY, sponsored by the Catholic Worker. Needless to say, as an active duty officer I was rather a novelty. I was tremendously impressed with the people that I met there. It was the first time in my life that I met people who were other than middle class entrepreneurs who just wanted to get rich. It was an eye-opener to me that the evening news might not be giving the whole story. I had been told we were in Vietnam to protect the world from communism, just as now they say we are in Iraq to fight terrorism. How easily we fall for these fake cover stories. We lost the war in Vietnam and we will lose the war in Iraq. The cost will be horrendous, with no good purpose served.

In my brief brush with the Catholic Workers, I discovered people who express their love and morality in their everyday actions, living in volunteer poverty, serving soup to the homeless, praying and working for for peace, not just as a political stance, but in their own lives. I found in their lifestyle something far more crucial, important, and honorable than in the American dream of homes and cars, glitz and aquisition. But if you are against commerce, this isn't the place to live. I discovered that it isn't capitalism that is the problem, it is uncontrolled greed and irresponsible lifestyles.

Remember Patty Hearst? Part of America's royalty, the ultra rich Heast family, she was kidneapped by the Simbionese Liberation Army, a radical left-wing group. Patty was seen being involved in robbing banks and participating in activities with her captors. Later, in court, she claimed to have been badly treated and brainwashed, but I think she had her version of my Catholic Worker experience. I think she found real people who were affectionate, had a moral cause, and would die for each other. I think she found something that was missing in the life of a little rich girl and participated willingly. (I don't condone their violent methods.) Of course, her high-powered lawyers got her off the best they could and then, I think I remember, she married the policeman who was assigned to guard her.

After refusing my request for discharge on the basis of being a conscientious objector, the Air Force could have given me non-combatant duties in a desk job in Omaha or somewhere, but instead, they gave me orders to Southeast Asia. In those days, B-52's took off from Guam with little fuel, so the weight could be used for bombs instead. Once in the air, they would refuel and then go drop their bombs on hapless Vietnamese peasants that were threatening the world order. My job as an air controler would have been to make sure the bombers and fueling tankers met up. I refused to go. I won. I didn't go. But I lost the court martial. I call my crime reverse murder, which is refusal to kill. In prison at Fort Leavenworth, I applied for a job teaching GED classes, but they turned me down, saying that as a conscientious objector, I might be a bad influence. (But wait, I was there because the ruled that I wasn't a conscientious objector!) So instead, they tried to teach me the tuba and make me march in the military band.

The ensuing years as a professional anti-Vietnam activist and hippie were certaiinly cultural expressions readily identified with the times, the 60's and early 70's. Unfortunately, when it came to the sexual revolution and free love, I was also a conscientious objector. Think of what happened during the year of 1968, the year I was in jail. Martin Luther King was killed, Bobbie Kennedy was killed, there were riots in many major cities, and the Democratic convention turned Chicago into an armed camp.

When the anti-war movement turned violent (is that an oxymoron, or what?), I desserted. We later found that most provacative people in the groups, who were most strongly advocating violence, turned out to be government informers and FBI agents. It was a clever strategy to manipulate people's anger into illegal directions that would thereby discredit their cause. I was certain that I would be killed before the age of 30. So I have always considered every year beyond 30 to be a gift, all 33 of them so far.

I married Susan Ferre, my first cousin (hence the same name, since our fathers were brothers). My uncle became my father-in-law, my cousins became brothers-and-sisters-inlaws. If Susan had used her maiden name, then she could have gone by Susan Ferre Ferre. Susan is a world-class concert organist, who brought into my bleak life a great appreciation for music. She also brought travel, as we would go to Europe while she concertized. That led to my love of everything French.

I made my living as a craftsman, making a number of things ranging from wire jewelry to harpsichords. Then I went straight, first in restaurant management and then real estate. I like real estate, as it is very creative. I did everything from developing industrial parks to selling apartments to residential brokerage. I was successful, but I always felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

When Susan and I parted ways after 10 years (my father-in-law became my uncle again , etc, etc,), I went to France for a couple of years, where we owned a ruin in the Pyrenees. On the way there, I traveled through the Soviet Union and spent a week each at Findhorn Community in Scotland and on the Island of Iona. It was in the bookstore at Findhorn that I was handed a book by someone (an angel?) who said, "Buy this book, it will change your life." I read the title: A Course in Miracles. Pretty strange, but I bought it. And it did, indeed, change my life 180 degrees. I spent two years in the Pyrenees, working on the house, being quiet, reading the Course, and getting introduced to metaphysics.

Previously, there had been only one world. It's the one you see and touch. It's the one most people think of as real. You scramble to be successful, hope to marry well, reach a high position, accumulate a few toys, and then you die. I was 41 years old, had been raised in a Christian family (my father was a minister), had a good education, was experienced in business, had a nice nest egg in the bank, owned a dozen real estate properties, and still, metaphysics was completely new to me. I had never been exposed to such concepts. "Meta" means beyond. That there was a world beyond the physical (other than pearly gates) was news to me. It was good news. (Meanwhile, back in Texas, the economy went down the tubes, savings and loan companies went belly up, interest rates sky-rocketed to almost 20%, and my real estate holdings -- the basis for my retirement --bit the dust, leaving me with no source of income. Thus ended my brief retirement.))

Since a young age, I had had many questions which had never been adequately answered. A Course in Miracles answered them. It was so relentlessly and inhumanly logical that I believed it from the first word. Currently, I am reading books by atheists, to see what light their objections can throw on my beliefs. Highly educated philosophers are rejecting God because there is evil in the world. They blame God for allowing it. Tell me, how exactly is God supposed to prevent it? Think of interrupting the universal principle of cause and effect -- no small issue. The Course has a very simple answer. God isn't responsible for this mess, we are. Duh-h-h-h-h.

Being religious doesn't assure any knowledge of the other world, the spiritual world, nor how to access it or benefit from it. (I'm not talking about The Secret here, folks, which is an aberrition of metaphysics: just think in the right way and a Mercedes will appear in your driveway. Is that the materialistic American dream, or what?) Fundamentalist Christianity and Islam are all about following the rules. Believe what we tell you, follow the rules, say the right words, perform the right rituals, and you will go to heaven. It's sort of like the religious version of The Secret -- no invisible world there (the world Swami Beyondananda calls "the Inner Net").

Don't you question the value of a religion that can't withstand doubt, or even criticism or disbelief? If you draw an unflattering picture of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), then there will be riots and a contract put out on your life. Huh? And here in the most materialistic country in the world, a radical version of evangelical Christianity is wielding substantial political power (not to mention the growing gospel of prosperity, the "God wants you to be rich" movement). How big of a step is it from believing your sect is the only one that is right and all others will be condemned and punished, to passing laws outlawiing other beliefs, or even putting non-believers to death? Oh wait, that's been done already. It was called the Inquisition. Will we see its revival?

Wouldn't you think that a politician who runs on his evangelical credentials should, once in office, at least make some small effort to comport himself in a way that would seem to reflect the values for which his religion purports to stand? I mentiion all of this because these are examples that I consider to be religions not of the spiritual world but of this world, the physical world, the world of fear and threats and rewards. They are religions of the ego. It has very little to do with that other world, the world that I discovered through the Course. Here comes the bad news. The invisible world is the real one; all of this is just illusion.

There were other elements to living in France, such as meeting Dr. Happiness and becoming a rebirther. When I returned to the US in 1987, I worked for the summer at Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, because it was a great place to be exposed to metaphysics and New Age teachings of all kinds. Subsequently, I met Ruth and moved to St. Louis where she had a resource center for A Course in Miracles and sold metaphysical books and tapes. What could be better than that? Together, we taught the Course and sponsored interesting people like Pat Rodegast (Emmanuel), Ram Dass, and especially, Stephen Schwartz.

I dabbled in real estate and a few other things. I brought Dr. Happiness to the US and traveled for two years giving happiness seminars. There is currently a plethora of books on happiness, with new ones comiing out every week. We were just a decade ahead of the times. I have yet to see a book on happiness that really understands the subject. They are all circumstantial. When this happens or that happens, or when you meditate, or when you find your purpose in life, or when you follow these seven steps, THEN you can be happy. Wrong. You can be happy immediately by just making that your choice. (Barry Neil Kaufman wrote a book years ago called Happiness is a Choice. He came the closest. ) I guess I'll have to write that book, too.

By 1995 I had discovered labyrinths and found a profession that combines all of my skills, abilities, and spiritual principles. I feel like I ended up in a good place, especially considering all of the possibilities. But it wasn't perfect. Ruth died and I made some bad decisions. I have started our memoir, calling it: Ruth and Robert: Memories, Lessons, Regrets. Using the Course as our guide, we transformed our relationship into a spiritual path. The cancer journey, of course, was intense.

Now that Ruth's gone, I am working to refocus. I have worked more than any person should work in a lifetime. I want to retire as quickly as possible and dedicate myself to writing and pondering. Well, OK, we'll throw in a few hours of Sudoku. I'm offering my labyrinth business for sale, but where can I find a buyer? My plan is to go with the business for two years and transfer all of the knowledge and intangibles to the new ownership. It is meaningful work and can afford a comfortable living.

I've tucked away a little bit, but retirement will be modest. That's OK, my needs are few. I hope to be paid for my travel, giving lectures and trainings. I don't have all of the answers, by a long shot, but I have some idea of where to look for them and I have a few good hints.